He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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