Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
