i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
