He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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