Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
