We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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