the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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