Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
