God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
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