remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
