For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
