he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
