Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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