Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
