We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
