fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
