Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
