Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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