i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
