My friends, they love my intelligence
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
