dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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