he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
