i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
