It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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