Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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