theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i think i have two assholes
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
