I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
