hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
