Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
