I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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