wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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