Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
