i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm passing your future prison.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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