Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
