Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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