well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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