I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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