if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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