My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
