He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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