Me. At least after what I've been through.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
