can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
