Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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