i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i think we sleep fucked last night...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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