He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I party with great urgency now.
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