We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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