So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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