The maid of honor just puked.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
