just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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