I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
